high high #39

my baby sleeps through the night.

it's not an every night thing - some nights he only makes it til 4am before his little tummy is hungry, but that's pretty close. but this means we don't have middle-of-the-night feedings anymore.  instead, thanks to the change in season, we have early morning feedings.  usually they coincide with the morning twilight.

but yesterday morning's feeding... well, it was the stuff baby dreams are made of.

i wake up to julian's little grunts and sucking noises [he sucks on his hands in his crib when he's hungry] at 5:30 and sleepily wander into his room.  he greets me with a big gummy smile, and stretches his arms up real big when i pick him up.  his swaddle blanket falls to a pile onto his crib mattress.  julian yawns during his quick diaper change, and then i snap on his bib. my body hasn't totally adjusted to dropping these overnight meals, and my breast is over full.  he'll need the bib.

he cuddles up close to me as i sit down with him in his rocking chair next to the open window.  there's a breeze blowing in.  rain is falling down outside, and drops make their way onto the window screen with a rhythmic pat-pat-pat  this is one of the things i love most about boston - the abundance of springtime rain. 

i cradle my baby and he immediately opens his mouth and searches for his breakfast.  julian latches on without a problem and starts happily eating.  sometimes there's still some initial pain as he gets settled, but the morning feedings, after my body can reset overnight, are pain-free.  all I feel is relief as my breast is slowly drained.  he's an efficient eater today, never breaking his latch.  i slowly rock us as he takes big gulps with wide open eyes.  some mornings we listen to lullabies, but not today, not this morning.  today we enjoy the silence.  today the only sounds around me are julian's eager, sleepy sucking and swallowing, breathing through his nose as his face is smushed up against my breast, and the rain outside. 

after a few minutes he changes to a rhythmic sucking as his eyes once again get sleepy and his blinks get slower and longer.  i know it's only another minute or two before his eyes totally close as he gently sucks with the occasional swallow.  i watch his little face.  his eyes are shut, his long eyelashes brushing against the tops of his cheeks.  i know he's sleeping now, but his little mouth is still moving like he's sucking.  he does this in his sleep sometime, like he's dreaming of a pacifier or eating.  it's one of my favorites.  everything this little boy does is one of my favorites.  lately, his forehead has been on top of that list.  he furrows it sometimes when he's concentrating, or when he's really tired, or when he's just waking up from a nap.  his hair is clean this morning from yesterday's bath, making his baby smell especially intoxicating.  he smells of sweet milk and i want to bury my face in the rolls showing up around his belly.

i debate on putting julian back down in his crib or bringing him into bed with us.  i know philip would tell me to put him in his crib, but i love those early morning baby snuggles so much.  i lower him into his crib an inch at a time so he doesn't wake, telling myself as soon as he stirs i will bring him into bed with us.  i kiss his forehead, like i do every time i put him down to sleep, and pull his door almost all the way closed behind me. 

back in my bedroom, philip is still sleeping, as he should be.  our cats are stretched out at the foot of the bed and one of them is snoring away.  on the baby monitor i see that julian hasn't moved.  he's totally out.  there is something special about being the only one awake in my house, something quintessentially mommy-ish.  it makes my soul happy and my heart feel full, knowing my family around me is home and content.

and i drift back off to sleep, knowing everything is as it should be in my home, in my heart, in my life.

28 moments.

ok, so elise is killing it at the birthday blog posts.  i visited her blog again yesterday morning, as i do all mornings, and was completely inspired by her post on her 28 favorite moments of her 28th year.  maybe i have just been feeling unmotivated lately or something, but her post just spoke to me.  as i may have mentioned a time or two before, 28 was a year of the highest highs and the lowest lows.  for some reason, i tend to think of 28 as a rough year.  but as i reflected on my 28 best moments of the last year, i actually came up with 42 of them and had to narrow down the list.  now that's not such a bad year, is it?

so here they are, in chronological order.

watching the sun set on the beach with PI in santa monica.  we went late in the afternoon and just waited, playing in the water, sitting in the sand, and talking about our life together.

our first day in montreal sightseeing.  it was freezing and beautiful and we ate some amazing food.

our first date at gaslight with PI after the miscarriage.  ironically, it was april 6th - exactly a to the day when our baby would be due in 2014.

the weekend trip in DC in early spring. the weather was perfect and it was the first time i really felt like i appreciated DC.  it was when life started to feel a little normal again after the miscarriage.

those first drinks on newbury after the marathon bombing.  it was a big deal to me.

my last night out + brunch the morning after with my girlfriends before we all kind of grew up.  i will always remember it being kind of our last carefree night out before a lot of things changed for a lot of us.

our first trip to the beach in revere.  the water was freezing but the beach was beautiful, and we had so much fun.

a super random date night in the north end we had.  lots of wine and lots of pasta and lots of romance.  i will miss nights like that once the baby is here.

my first 7am yoga class, which totally hooked me.  i found something inside myself and a solace to help me get back to normal.

one night, staying up til 3am with philip watching woody allen movies.

our she & him concert on the harbor.  one of our greatest nights.

my very first blogger event, a dinner, with a group of people i had never met before.  i was terrified but i am so glad i went.

the day i got an editor for my book.  amazing.

having wine outside at boston harbor hotel with PI, my brother and my mom + her husband while it was raining.

our nighttime swim on the rooftop pool of our hotel in bangkok.  dipping in that water, all alone, and looking out over the city is something i will never forget.

seeing baby's heartbeat for the first time.  seeing it.  the little flicker of a little dot within a little dot on the monitor, that moment when we knew this baby was really for real this time.

my dad's surprise birthday party when we gave him a birthday card with a sonogram photo inside for his birthday.

watching my best friend rach + her mom [who was very sick] make peach jam in their kitchen at home.  this one is something only my close friends will really understand.  but it is a memory i will cherish for a long time to come.

hearing baby's heartbeat on our five year wedding anniversary.  i cried.  then we drove to NYC for dinner at our fave french restaurant and stayed at the ace hotel near the flatiron building.

watching first avs game 6-1 win, and watching coach patrick roy nearly push the plexiglass over.

snorkeling on st john with my brother and PI.  it was breathtakingly beautiful.  we saw a sea turtle and followed him.  that whole st john trip was amazing.

our first day in burlington for PI's birthday.  the drive was amazing.  we stayed out late and talking and talking.  that's one of my favorite things to do with him.

feeling baby kick for the first time.  we were in houston having lunch and it was an unmistakeable feeling i will never forget.

seeing my girlfriends 'us three' in houston.  it was on my 30 before 30 list and such an awesome weekend with friends i hadn't seen in way too long.

finding out baby is a BOY.  we were shocked.  it was like finding out i was pregnant - only we weren't planning it.

my baby shower in denver that my girlfriends + mom threw for me.  i was blown away by the time and effort that was put into it.  it was so special to celebrate with my girlfriends like that.

moving to chestnut hill was pretty huge.  it's more of an event than a moment, but deciding on this apartment and getting to move in was so special, finally knowing where we would be making a home for the baby.

my second baby shower in NYC just a few days before my birthday was lovely - not to mention my last trip out of massachusetts for the baby arrives.  [post coming on this soon i hope.]

side note: it's not that i just have an amazing memory or that i happened to blog all of these moments.  i may have mentioned before i keep a one line a day five-year journal that was gifted to me.  i was skeptical at first, but now it's part of my bedtime routine just like brushing my teeth and i rarely forget.  i love reading what i was doing a year ago today, and finding something noteworthy about every day of my life.  i highly recommend it - it's the perfect way to journal if you aren't into, you know, journaling.  

high high #38

sometimes, it's the little victories in life.  like the perfect amount of foam on your latte.  or catching the T just as you run down the stairs.

or, if you're 18 weeks pregnant, buttoning your pants.

to be totally honest, these jeans are a size bigger than i usually wear.  but i loved the color so much i figured i'd rock 'em anyway with a belt.  and i actually wore them a few times when i was not pregnant.  so when i pulled the pants on today and expected to grab a belly band to go over it, i figured i'd zip them up as much as possible.  and you know what?  they zipped right up.  and buttoned.  and i danced a little bit for joy [but no one wants to see that now]. 

pants in april
pants in may
now i am not trying to be braggy here.  but pregnancy can be rough sometimes, and it's those little tiny victories that make you happy.  so there it is.